Archive for the 'Rants' Category

In Pursuit of Hairiness (or) In Hirsuit of Happiness

These days it seems there’s nothing wors’n Being quite a hairy person. Wherever you look you’re confronted by “smooth” Oiled and honed for the Photo booth. But when did this happen? When did Fate Turn women away from a hairy mate? When did “back, sack and crack” arrive to save men From loping about like […]



Audi Dudie

The Audi Dude’s a special breed, That isn’t hard to see. They drive A4’s and stuff like that, But mostly the A3. There was a time when Audi folks Were not the type to trouble you, When did they take the Loony’s Crown, Away from BMW? They should, by law, be made to learn A […]



Thumping Headache

I’ve tried it with my finger nails, I’ve tried it with my thumbs. I’ve tried it with a pencil and that little stick that comes embedded in my mobile. The display just doesn’t change. The icons stay immovable, refuse to re-arrange. The screen is in the headrest, on a long haul flight, economy. Attempts to […]



Jogging On (Two-Finger Exercise)

Two fingers to the lot of you. You looking for a fight? Two fingers to the lot of you. I bring my kid up right. He stands up on his own two feet and argues with his teachers. He knows I’ll always back him up by threatening those preachers. I let him play on X […]



Fancy That!

Ah’m from Yorkshire, me, And Ah reckon’ nowt ta Thee, With Tha’ fancy shoes and fancy ways, And Tha’ fancy Earl Grey Tea. With Tha’ Fancy-Man Th’aren’t na’ better Than Tha’ ought to be, But whilst we’re on’t subject Lass, Does’t Tha’ fancy me?



Doleful

I’m fired; de-hired; given the push. Booted, uprooted; had the bums rush. Heave-Hoed; let goed; out on my eared. Pruned; High Nooned, just as I feared. Outducted, destructed, shoved off, good-byed. Disappeared, engineered, over the side. Sacked, hacked, discarded, disjointed. How do I feel?…..quite dis-appointed.



In Loco Parentheses

How lovely to see you (oh no, you again). It’s always a pleasure (it’s always a pain). Your outfit is splendid (my god, what a hat). And you’re looking so well (oh my god aren’t you fat). I gather the business has done rather well. (I just can’t believe that you know how to sell). […]



Cri De Cur

I say we’ve eaten, (You say we’ve dined). I call it posh, (You call it refined). When’t cup is upskittled, (You call it upset). Me bib gets a soaking, (Your napkin gets wet). It makes me feel little, (You call it inferior). It churns up me innards, (You call it interior). I must make me […]



Dressing Down

Pull yourself together lad, You look a proper sight. You haven’t had a shave for days You’re staying out all night. You never ever brush your hair, Your clothes are always scruffy. You wear those great big clompy boots To make you look a toughie. You never say a civil word. You mumble when you […]



Much Ado………..

i-phone, he phone, you phone, she phone, they phone, we phone, All about me phone. I‘m on Facebook, Personal space book, Keeping up the pace book, Staying on my case book. I‘m a little Twitterer, a witterer, a glitterer, a blog and email litterer, a trivia emitterer. I think I need to make it clear […]




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